I miss Beanie

Have been told that Beanie is no more :(

I miss Beanie. Beanie and I talked books and music. Beanie loved my favorite book of all time, no one I have ever met before has ever even known who Ayn Rand is. Now who will I talk to about the fun stuff?

Sad day

well...

The right words just don't come so easily for me anymore.
The words are there,
the feelings are there,
I just can't seem to get the two of them to come together to make a cohesive statement.

it's just....

You picked me up
took off the mask
and taught me to love again.

You spoke from the heart
words of comfort and hope
you touched my soul.

love it when my memories come back to me....

Random conversation with friends about songs we remember from when we were little. I could remember parts to this one, and it took me two day to find it. My Great-Grandmother taught me this one....


PLAYMATE, come out and play with me
And bring your dollies three.
Climb up my apple tree,
Look down my rain barrel
Slide down my cellar door
And we'll be jolly friends forever more.

I'm sorry Playmate, I cannot play with you
My dollies have the flu,
Boo-hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo.
Ain't got no rain barrel
Ain't got no cellar door
But we'll be jolly friends forever more.

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined. - Henry David Thoreau

some random thoughts...

I've always believed that God never gives you more than you can handle, though through out my life he has come damn close to pushing me over the edge. I've had to work for everything I have and even harder for the things I don't.

Love has always been a part of my life, though I've never been very good at it. My heart has always been to big for my own good.

That's also one of the things that makes me who I am.

Lots of people have called me a survivor, and I truly hate that word. Isn't everyone a survivor? At least all those who don't give up or give in? What other options do I have? I've never been someone who quiets, not really. I've given up people in my life but not because I wanted to but because I knew I would be the cause of their pain.

I am that person. The one who will walk away hurt, heart broken into pieces just to keep from hurting anyone else. I've brought so much misery and pain into my life and on myself just to spare someone else.

I've only let one person, in my entire life, completely and totally destroy me. I will never make that mistake again. Which would be the main reason I will never let anyone in my heart again.

For an average person, sometimes I do feel like there is more to me than even I know. I only allow myself to think this way every now and again, I'm actually afraid of what I might find if I look to deep. Most of the time I just hide behind the mask I wear for everyone around me.

Quotes and happiness of the day...

Joy is not in things; it is in us. ~Richard Wagner

Chance favors the prepared mind. ~Louis Pasteur

I wish to live because life has with it that which is good, that which is beautiful, and that which is love. ~Lorraine Hansberry

If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears the sound of a different drummer. Let him step to the music he hears, however measured or far away. ~Henry David Thoreau

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be see or even touched they must be felt with the heart. ~Helen Keller

todays happiness....

One word


TWITTER

I love the folks that I tweet with on there. They make my day fun.

No one knows the real me...

I put on a good front. I have to. If I were to show the real me to anyone I'm not to sure that they could handle it. Being all things to all people every damn day of the week is fucking tiring. By the end of the day I just want to curl up in a ball and crawl in a hole. Don't bother me don't talk to me. I just want quiet and dark.

I have a past just like everyone else, but I have worked very hard to forgive and let go. I'm pretty happy with my life now, sure there are things that could be better but life is good right now. My problem now seems to be that I can't get away from the negativity from everyone else in my life.

I'm trying very hard to be the person I once was so many years ago. Everything will always bother me, I just have a big heart and anybodies suffering becomes mine. I care, that is not a bad thing. I've always put others before myself, though I am working on this one cause it can get to be a bit much at times. Music has always been a part of my life and I have finally found my LOVE for it again. Finding new songs has once again become a passion. YEA! I've been reading for a while, so I don't think I ever really lost that. Last real thing to get back is writing and this one is going to be the hardest. In the past I always had something or someone to inspire me, but I don't have that now. So I'm not sure how to proceed with this one...

Let's see how it goes.



I am looking towards the future
but haunted by my past
stuck in this limbo life of answers
to the questions I will not ask

Quotes of the day...

"Integrity is the essence of everything successful." ~Richard Fuller

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

"Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth." ~ Mark Twain

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one." ~ C.S. Lewis

"Without music, life would be a mistake." ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

todays happiness....

I had a great day today. I cant put in a list as usual, cause I can't say it was any one thing that made me happy today. Everything was part of my happiness today.

Two day worth of happiness....

was having to much fun to make my list yesterday so am adding it to today's

1. I have paint on my walls that looks good.
2. Smiled so much that people thought there was something wrong
3. Laughed so hard, I had others laughing with (or at) me
4. Had a REALLY good dream that I actually remembered
5. Listened to songs by that voice that feels like hands on my body
6. Oh and one last one--the ex is showing interest again, to bad he cant have me :)
   

I think the days are getting better...

Laughter and so much more....

I'm trying to find ways to have more laughter in my life. I need it, almost as much as I need music. My only problem is that I have a very dry and sarcastic sense of humor that no one seems to understand or like. Guess I will have to find another way to find the laughter.

Laughing makes me feel better about life. I like that feeling, I like it very much. Laughing makes me happy and a happy me is a good me. I have been in a funk for way to long. Am trying to get out of it, and every little thing I can do to get that "happy" feeling is a step in the right direction.

I've spent way to many years feeling like I didn't deserve to be happy, that I wasn't good enough (still working on that point, read other post), that I was unlovable.

I know that I have to learn to really love myself before anyone else can love me, and learning to laugh again is just one more check mark on my list.

My heart is full....

Received this as part of email from an old friend. If I ever wanted to feel like I had ever done something right in my life...it was just validated

Although if ever a counsellor was born you would be it.

what on earth are they going to teach you at any uni on this subject.

Despite being one of the youngest staff member on camp you were just so together!

You were a great listener, you had a very calming influence and everyone loved it when gave us a hug.

What more could I ask for? Nothing.

todays happiness....

1. NEW MUSIC TO LISTEN TO - Ingrid Michaelson (Morning Lullabies), Colin Hay, Ben Harper....
2. Dry sense of humor
3. Reading my fellow bloggers
   

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!!

todays happiness....

1. getting over the crying thing
2. tweeting with Beanie

Yea I know that neither of these make sense to anyone but me, but hey, this is my happiness I'm talking about.

Ever had one of those days....

One of those days when you are walking around near tear for no real reason you can think of? I know some of us have those PMS days, but this is not one of them. I'm talking about waking up and your just sad, trying desperately not to cry.

Today was one of those days, I really just wanted to stay in bed and cry. I had to work so hard not to break down at work today, and when everyone asked me what was wrong i couldn't tell them. What the hell was I going to say, suffering from two day old hangover, dehydrated and feel bad for taking out frustrations on innocent strangers that when I got up in the morning and my senses back I felt like a total ass?

Yea that would have went over well.

todays happiness....

1. I have doors...
2. and paint for the house
   

2 things that made me happy today

1. went to see Watchmen...good movie, dont take kids
2. drinking and talking to the ladies
   

Can of worms.....

I think that I have opened a can of worms with this, a can I don't know what to do with. I've opened up a flood gate of emotions that I have kept bottled up for way to long. I was safe with all that buried deep, but now that I've allowed it out....

I think I am going to go crazy. I really don't know how to deal with all of this shit. Even more, I don't want to really don't want to. I know that I have to, it's been to long. I know that I can not move forward in my life until I do.

todays happiness....

this is harder than I thought it would be, thought I could have at least two things to make me happy each day, didn't know that I would be home with a sick kid today. That left me with not much to go on.

1. got another email from Richard
2. finished a book

Being good enough

I don't think that I will ever feel like I am good enough. When you spend most of your life being told that you are not good enough, and that you will never make anything of yourself. You start to believe it, and once the seed is planted it grows like some damn weed you just can't pull out no matter how hard you try. It becomes a struggle everyday just to feel good enough. To feel like you have done a good job, been nice enough, paid attention, did your best as a mother. Never feeling good enough makes you think, a lot, and that is never a good thing.

Feeling so good I cried....

I was so happy today that I actually had to set down and cry. I think the last time I have felt that happy was about 15 years ago. I must find a way to feel that happy more often.

It didn't take much to do it. It only took 11 words to make it happen. "Are you serious? Only one of the best summers of my life!!" All I had to do was open an email.

Why cant everyday be like this? Is it really to much to ask to be happy everyday of your life? I've got to find a way to make this feeling last...

hmm.....

Must write down at least 2 things that made me happy that day. Must look at list if I need a reminder.

There!

LOST FRIENDS....

I sent an email to a name, could have been an old friend wasn't sure. I'm sure now. I have not heard from this person in 20 years. 20 YEARS! This was the email I received this morning....

Hi Joette,

Are you serious?

Only one of the best summers of my life!!

I hope you are well,

It was a wonderful summer some 20 years ago.

I remember working really hard there.

We seemed to be overwhelmed with the challenges facing the client group.

With a few exceptions We had a great staff team who looked after each other and kept each other positive.

I remember you and I getting on quite well and you even taking me home to meet your people who showed me wonderful hospitality and cooked me a great meal

I have great memories of that summer but am no longer in contact with any one from there.

Let me know how you are doing

Sincerely

It is so good to know that I'm not the only one with a long memory. This is the best part of my day.

breaking down barriers.....

I'm breaking down my own barriers, some have been there for years, and some are very high.... this could get interesting.

Loneliness...

How long can someone lie to themselves before it becomes to much? I have a good life - two wonderful children, a great job I love and my house will be done and we will be moved in by summer. But to say that I am happy would be a lie. A lie I have been telling myself for too many years. The longer you go without physical contact, of any kind, with someone the more you loose of yourself. It's a madding feeling to have such an big heart and no one to give it to. To simply miss the touch of someone's hand in yours is heartbreaking.

Is it possible to feel heartbreak from a lack of love in your life? Can it make you feel crazy at times? Is there a way to make it stop?

Music Man J's words of wisdom...

Life lesson boys and girls... Blowing someone else's candle out doesn't make yours burn brighter. Food for thought.

This is from "Music Man J" not me.

A Strong Woman Versus A Woman of Strength

A strong woman works out every day to keep her body in shape...but a woman of strength builds relationships to keep her soul in shape.

A strong woman isn’t afraid of anything...but a woman of strength shows courage in the midst of her fear.

A strong woman won’t let anyone get the best of her...but a woman of strength gives the best of her to everyone.

A strong woman makes mistakes and avoids the same in the future...

A woman of strength realizes life’s mistakes can also be unexpected blessings and capitalizes on them.

A strong woman wears the look of confidence on her face...but a woman of strength wears grace.

A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey...but a woman of strength has faith that it is in the journey that she will become strong.

Is there a catagory for that?

We all have to learn something from our past mistakes or we never grow, right?

I was listening to Kenny Chesney's song A Lot of Things Different today and it got me to thinking about some of the things that I would have done differently if I could go back and do them again. Most of those are for another time. The one BIG thing I would have NOT done if I could go back was get married.

I don't have anything against marriage itself, just the crap I went through. I would like to say that I don't hate my ex-husband, but I can't. I hate him, loathe him, is there a stronger word? I will one day dance on his grave. Does that sum it up?

I've never been called naive, crazy yes, but not naive. For 3 years I would say I was insane. That is the only rational reason for what I did. No one would believe me if I said that I believed in love and that was the reason for it.

I married him, we had a child, we got divorced, we got remarried, we got divorced again. At some point in this mix is where the the insanity came into play. From this I have learned that love is NEVER enough. Love should never be the only reason you are with someone. It wasn't my only reason, but it was the main one.

Though I hate him it is not for what should be obvious reasons. I got over him. What I haven't been able to get over is the fact that he walked out on a child, that is the most unforgivable thing a man can ever do.

Had I never married him, he may have stayed in his son's life. In his mind I am the reason that he doesn't have anything to do with his son. We would have never parted on bad terms and things could have been just fine.

Another lesson learned... never wallow in "what ifs".

At this point I know what he has missed out on. I also know that what goes around comes around. (Been there and done that with my own father.) Now I just have to wait for that day to come and be here for MY son when it happens.

I think I learned a lot from this past mistake.