Complicated

Sometimes I wonder what the hell I am doing with my life. I haven't posted in a long time and part of that is because a lot of shit has been happening in a short period of time. I don't really feel like me anymore...and that hurts. The whole reason for starting this blog was to find me again, and in the process I think I've lost more of me.

It doesn't help that I've had to deal with family and they can tear the best of us down after a while. I'm surprised that I've actually managed to keep my head about me after all these fucking years...I should be a hateful heartless bitch from all the time spent with them...but from what I'm told I'm not. Yea I have my moments, who doesn't?, but all in all I'm a very caring and decent person.

Another thing that is missing is that I don't have my inspiration for poetry anymore...and I miss that. I miss the feelings that I had, the reason I could write them. I just don't know how to get that back. It should never depend on another person but at the moment it does...and that sucks.

I just need to get my life back on track and find me...just be me. Good or bad, happy or sad...just BE ME.

Bruised but not Broken

Sorry...

I fucked up and no matter how hard I try I can not fix this. I hurt so many people that I care about and I don't blame a one of them for hating me. I never intended for any of this to happen, what started as a private conversation went public and to many people got hurt in the process. I have to be honest, I expected more people to pissed at me for opening my mouth in the first place.

I wish I could explain to everyone just what happened, and why but I can't. I can say that I see something differently than others do, I see people differently. I try not to judge anyone before getting to know them. These are not excuses, those I will not make. This is just a small explanation to the why.

The hardest part to all of this for me is that I know what I did, I own up to it, I will apologize for it everyday. BUT...I'm not the only one at fault, and I know that person will never apologize for their part in all of this. I don't think this person sees just how much harm was done and how many people are hurt by OUR actions.

I really do wish that this person would see all of these hurt people the way I do, it would be the only way for them to understand what friendship and kindness is really about. It would be the only way for them to ever admit what they did was wrong as well.

Again to everyone....I'M VERY SORRY FOR WHAT HAPPENED, AND I WILL NOT LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN.

Trust

Trust is such an easy word to say yet a hard thing to do for so many people. I have never considered myself among them till now. I have always been one to take people at face value and trust them, most people have proven to me that it was worth it to give them that trust.

However, once that trust is gone, its gone. It can not be built back up, can not be found again. And this makes me sad, we were friends, we were close, I trusted you with my heart.

I want to say that I made the mistake of trusting someone who didn't deserve it, but I can't. Up until the point that the trust was broken, he did deserve it. I never thought that a friendship could come crumpling down the way ours did and all because I would not give information I didn't have and he wouldn't answer a simple question. It's crazy and I still cant wrap my head around it all. I don't know that I will ever understand what happened. I do know this, for the life of me I can not do what I threatened to do. I can not tell that personal information that was shared with me. I want to, I want everyone to know the truth but I also know it is not my truth to tell. And for as mad as I am I was trusted with knowing this and I respect and am trying to honor that trust.

I know that I did not mean to hurt anyone or to have so many people fight because of something I did. That is not the kind of person I am. I don't set out to hurt people. I think before I go off on some crazy tangent, accusing people and being an ass; wait I don't really do those kind of things.
I like to make people feel good and have fun with them.

So again I say I'm sorry for everything that happened. I did not mean for it to end up the way it did. I never meant for anyone to be hurt...and I mean anyone.

And just so YOU will know...your biggest most heartfelt secrets are still safe with me. No matter how much you have hurt me. I just cant hurt you in the same way.

Who am I?

I am the girl you see
but never look at.
I am the voice you hear
but never listen to.
I am the one who tries
but never puts a smile on your face.
I am the one you have been looking for
but you will never find me.

let the truth be told! I'll start it first....

I wrote the title to this post months ago when I read a blog post about masks. I have looked at this title with the words "draft" by it for so long. I just didn't have it in me to actually write down what needs to be said. These things that I keep behind my mask have made me the person I am today. They are the reasons that I am hard on the outside and soft on the inside, they are what makes me so strong and so caring. The sad thing is that I would not wish these "things" on my worst enemy.

what are these "things" I speak of, you ask?

these things are the truth behind me, who I am.....

I can remember getting a birthday card when I was younger that once you opened up all the way became a poster of Garfield that said "do everything once and the fun things twice". Not in a million years would I have ever imagined that part of these words would become my truth.

In my 36 years I have "done" (and I use that word very loosely) the following:

• been raised by a single parent
• had my father point a gun at me in a drunken rage, had he not passed out he would have killed me and my mother
• been hit by my father (and I mean hit, knocked to the ground, not able to breathe)
• been in an abusive relationship
• been hit by more than one man
• been raped
• been molested by a family member
• been married twice (to the same guy)
• lived in my car
• had an abortion
• lost a child before she was born
• watched someone I love die

and yes I have to stop there...the tears are flowing and it is hard to go on. Even though there is a story behind each bullet point, there is no need to get into them. They speak for themselves.

But for every bad thing that has ever happened to me in my life I have just as many good things to think about. They may not be considered big things to some, but every little thing that is good in your life can add up to one GIGANTIC thing to make you smile.

Some of the good things in my life:

• my two children
• watching the strength and bravery of a 9 year old going thru brain surgery to remove a tumor
• knowing that said child would be fine...why because prayer works
• knowing what true love feels like
• the love of true friends
• knowing that friends come to you in all forms and by all means (yes that means you my twitter friends)
  
• kind words from strangers
• knowing that my faith in God will always strengthen me
• building my own home with my own hands
• having good music to listen to
  

Oh how different these lists are..but the good does out-way the bad, 90% of the time. Do I live my life in that 90% all the time...no I do not. I struggle everyday to stay out of the 10%, cause for all the good there are times when the bad comes back to haunt me. I can never leave that 10% behind and move on, it is with me always but it is why I strive to be a better person and to do what I can for others.

So what about the mask, yes I still wear the mask. I have to, the mask is what keeps me from falling apart some days, it is what I have to do not to have people feel sorry for me or act differently. I just want you to be you and for me to be me. I'm not going to break, I know this now, I accept this now. It took a very long time to accept that, but I am a warrior, I will keep moving forward and keep being me. Bad past and all.

So there it is....the truth, me. Now..please let things stay the same, no one change. Cause I'm not going to.