I've moved....

I have moved this blog to wordpress

http://needingareasontobe.wordpress.com/

Oversensitive

I'm a lonely soul reaching out just to feel connected to the world around me. I'm not asking for much in return a little conversation, a smile, and if I'm lucky I end up with a friend or two. Seems with some in my life THAT is asking to much. I'm left feeling more alone, disconnected and hopeless as if I've done something wrong or crossed some invisible line I didn't even know was there.

I don't like feeling like I have to walk on eggshells around some people for fear that I may say or do something to set them off or hurt their feelings. Worst yet is feeling that way while they are telling you their fine and I don't believe them. Cause all their actions are saying otherwise. I'm not a mind reader and unless you are standing right in front of me and I can see it on your face, it's just not gonna happen.

Am I being oversensitive? Yes. Can I change the way I am? Maybe

The better question is do I NEED to change the way I am? Isn't the way I am one of the reasons we started talking in the first place?

So what changed?

I can give one answer to that question. You did. I'm still the same crazy big hearted person I've always been. I still care about others and what makes them happy like I always have. You changed the way you see me and you cant admit it. It could be for the better or the worse, either way you are trying to keep things the same when they just cant stay that way.

People change, life changes, relationships change. Acknowledge it, talk about it and move on.

Just please whatever the reason for the change...let us talk about it and move on...no matter what direction it may take us.

You got a different answer to the question? that's what the comments are for...and for some of you...you know how else to reach me.

Soldier

It's funny how sometimes life gives you back your memories just when you least expected them or even wanted them.

It's been over 20 years since I've seen him, but I think about him at least once a day. I still remember what he looked like, though I could pass him on the street and never know it was him these days. It has been many years since I could remember his voice, and somewhere in the masses of stuff I still own are letters he wrote along with a few pictures.

From these memories I carry two regrets...1) a missed phone call in the middle of the night to tell me he was being deployed (Desert Storm) 2) not knowing if he ever made it home...

I keep the memories alive in my mind, and I keep him in my heart always.
There is a part of me that will always be "Right Here Waiting"

I will never forget L.B.

I'm not fine...

What the hell is wrong with me that I feel I need to lie to people when they ask "are you okay?" "what's wrong?" I say I'm fine, just tired, been a long day...anything but the truth. I'm not fine, I'm so fucking far from it I'm scared by it.

I have so much anger, hate, disgust, fear and pain locked up inside of me right now that should I let just a little of it out by answering those questions honestly, it would all come out and in the form of sobs. I can't break down right now there is no room for it among the rest of the shit that is going on.

The very worst part of it is that it's easy to hid when the person asking can't see or hear your answer. It's safer that way. And it breaks my heart when I lie to someone who can hear it in my voice, how knows I'm lying to them and I silently thank them for not pushing it. What other choice do I have? Answer honestly, lay out my pain on display for them? I know they care that's why they ask. But can they handle the answer, can I?

Pay It Forward

Follow Your Dream-Sheryn Regis

The R-word

today's happiness...

1. laughing with a friend who has the same dry sense of humor I do
2. feeling good most of the day
3. the hope and smiles that @The_Aussie_Girl brought to me
   

feeling sorry for myself

There are times when the sadness of my reality comes crashing down on me...today I had one of those moments.

First let me start by saying that I am addicted to fanfic...I love reading the stories that people come up with and use already existing characters, some may be close to the original story and some are so far from it but each one is a great work by someone building on what we already know. I enjoy picturing the story in my mind as I read, seeing the characters come to life in my imagination. Tonight I was reading a new chapter in one of my favorite stories and it dawned on me that I just could not, for the life of me, picture what was going on. It was a simple kiss that the author was talking about, and they gave me all the little details to bring it to life...to feel it to see it. I just can't!!

It has been over 4 years since I've been kissed by a man. It's sad that I can't remember what it feels like, I can't picture it in my head enough to see a damn story play out.

It's moments like this one that remind me that parts of my life truly are pathetic.

Friends....

For all of you that brighten my day and make me smile....

Crushed

I don't know how much longer I can hold on. My strength is fading fast; I cannot keep up at this pace. There is a moment each day when I am done...physically, mentally, and emotionally DONE!! I can't do it anymore. I feel like every breath is a fight to keep moving. The joy is gone…just gone!! I feel like I’m being sucked down the hole to hell, my own personal one. Anger, guilt, sadness are the dominant feelings in my life right now. I hate feeling like this. No one understands just how much I take on that I know I shouldn’t. I don't know how not to care how to not take it personal. Guilt and grief are trying to crush me...over things that are out of my control, people I care about but have no clue just how much they mean to me. I feel, at times, that being considered a friend by someone puts me in a position to care and worry about their happiness.

I know some of them will read this and try to tell me otherwise...but they have no idea just how they brighten my day and help me to keep going. It is because of what each one of them gives to me that I want to give back to them..that is what friends do.

It is because of these people that at the end of the day when I just want to crawl into my bed and cry myself to sleep that I DON'T!! Instead I turn to them and we laugh and smile together and they prove to me once again that life is worth the hurt that you carry around and the hard times you go through.

They are the reason that the guilt and grief have NOT taken over my life...just a moment is all I give to it.

(yes this post took a turn from beginning to end...and that is because of you)

Touch me softly

I feel your breath on my face
sweet and soft
you step closer to me
the warmth of your body
envelopes my skin
the tears are kissed away
from my eyes
you place you hand
on my heart
feel it beating so hard
a tender mummer of "I love you"
our lips touch - briefly
the sweetest kiss
do not wake me from
this dream state
for I am home

"Set The Fire To The Third Bar"

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
And I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

~Snow Patrol

today was the first time I had ever heard this song, and I cried like a baby. the words hit way to close to home for me on to many levels. it would be one thing if I could only apply this song to one person or one moment in my life...but I can think of 5 just off the top of my head.

Music is a part of what makes me...me, but this is the first time a song has touched me like this.

Moments

The thin strings hold me together
they are entwined among the pain and the scars
Life is but moments that you live and die for
the times that mark you
and the ones you mark
it is but a dance to a song ever changing
the night and the day
the love and the loss
it is in these moments
that we define who we are
but these moments never end
we are ever changing
growing
becoming greater by the breaths we take
it is both heart felt and hopeless
joy and sorrow
peace and war
some make you fell free and alive
others can crush you
they are a loving touch
and a cold shoulder
I see my moments
I embrace them
even if their goal is to destroy me

Will you do the same?

Fear

Fear has kept me away from here
from getting my feelings and thoughts out of my own head
far to many things have happened
I need this more now than ever
I need to put it out there
to wear my heart on my sleeve
to open up to no one and everyone

but I know that in this processes I will hurt
and others will hurt as well

David Dwain...RIP

My youngest lost his daddy today...



for Dave 3/19/63-8/17/09

Sarah Bettens – I'm Okay

Look for me right when the lights go down
My one little natural high
I should be floating on top of the world
But I just keep wondering why
I feel more alone in this wonderful crowd
Than I ever do on my own
I know that this is a place I belong
But I’d rather be coming back home

Oh, I want you to know I’m okay,
I just need to know that you’re waiting
You’re waiting for me

Someone keeps saying I could be a star
I’m never quite sure what that means
Sounds like there’s something I’m missing right now
I’m not who they think I could be
But all that I’m missing is you, my love
Come find me whenever you can
I’ll be the one looking up at the sun
With a picture of you in my head

Oh, I want you to know I’m okay,
I just need to know that you’re waiting
You’re waiting for me

Oh, I want you to know I’m okay,
I just need to know that you’re waiting
You’re waiting for me

The Sorrow

the sun is setting
I am lost inside myself
searching
I know not what for
alone in the silence
it is deafening
I need something to hold on to
a smile in a crowded room
a song in a whisper
a caress on the breeze
the little things that
make life meaningful
the joy within
the sorrow

Friends...the best part of life

Friends are a wonderful part of your life. Friends are a necessary part of life. One of the great things about life is the way we can form friendships and who a person can consider a friend.

You have the people you have called friend for years, those that you grew up, went to school (or college) with. You have friends you make at work, the people who keep you going during the day, sometimes the only reason you go to work some days. These are the friends you get to "see" on a regular basis.

You also have the friends you made during your life that you may have lost touch with, the ones who made some kind of impact on your life, the ones that you partied with and walked away looking forward to the next time you would see them. This group will always be considered friends, doesn't matter if you still talk or you haven't seen them in years. You remember them, you have stories you tell about them, and with some of them you are still looking for them. These are the friends that are in your memories and, if your lucky, pictures.

And then you have the friends you make during the course of your life these days that you may never talk to, or ever see in person. These are the "strangers" that you happen across while online in some form. These are the people you find out of the blue. You may have been looking for someone on Facebook or MySpace and they were among many names that popped up and you decided to check them out and now you "chat" on a regular basis. You could have come across them in a chat room or twitter and found that you enjoyed talking to them. These are the friends that even though you may not know anything about each other it doesn't really matter cause the point of it is that you connected in some way.

For me this group is the best of the bunch cause these are the friends you connected with for a reason. It could be another mom of a special needs child who you can bounce ideas off of, or it could be someone who just made you laugh and ended up being someone who was also fun and kind and would let you give your 2 cents on any topic without judging your motives. This group allows you to just be yourself, no expectations and no exceptions.

This is the group that I want to thank for their kindness and friendship. This is the group that helps me to grow everyday and keeps me laughing.


.....Special thanks to "Music Man J" & "Momma C" for the inspiration on this post. You ROCK!!!

Complicated

Sometimes I wonder what the hell I am doing with my life. I haven't posted in a long time and part of that is because a lot of shit has been happening in a short period of time. I don't really feel like me anymore...and that hurts. The whole reason for starting this blog was to find me again, and in the process I think I've lost more of me.

It doesn't help that I've had to deal with family and they can tear the best of us down after a while. I'm surprised that I've actually managed to keep my head about me after all these fucking years...I should be a hateful heartless bitch from all the time spent with them...but from what I'm told I'm not. Yea I have my moments, who doesn't?, but all in all I'm a very caring and decent person.

Another thing that is missing is that I don't have my inspiration for poetry anymore...and I miss that. I miss the feelings that I had, the reason I could write them. I just don't know how to get that back. It should never depend on another person but at the moment it does...and that sucks.

I just need to get my life back on track and find me...just be me. Good or bad, happy or sad...just BE ME.

Bruised but not Broken

Sorry...

I fucked up and no matter how hard I try I can not fix this. I hurt so many people that I care about and I don't blame a one of them for hating me. I never intended for any of this to happen, what started as a private conversation went public and to many people got hurt in the process. I have to be honest, I expected more people to pissed at me for opening my mouth in the first place.

I wish I could explain to everyone just what happened, and why but I can't. I can say that I see something differently than others do, I see people differently. I try not to judge anyone before getting to know them. These are not excuses, those I will not make. This is just a small explanation to the why.

The hardest part to all of this for me is that I know what I did, I own up to it, I will apologize for it everyday. BUT...I'm not the only one at fault, and I know that person will never apologize for their part in all of this. I don't think this person sees just how much harm was done and how many people are hurt by OUR actions.

I really do wish that this person would see all of these hurt people the way I do, it would be the only way for them to understand what friendship and kindness is really about. It would be the only way for them to ever admit what they did was wrong as well.

Again to everyone....I'M VERY SORRY FOR WHAT HAPPENED, AND I WILL NOT LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN.

Trust

Trust is such an easy word to say yet a hard thing to do for so many people. I have never considered myself among them till now. I have always been one to take people at face value and trust them, most people have proven to me that it was worth it to give them that trust.

However, once that trust is gone, its gone. It can not be built back up, can not be found again. And this makes me sad, we were friends, we were close, I trusted you with my heart.

I want to say that I made the mistake of trusting someone who didn't deserve it, but I can't. Up until the point that the trust was broken, he did deserve it. I never thought that a friendship could come crumpling down the way ours did and all because I would not give information I didn't have and he wouldn't answer a simple question. It's crazy and I still cant wrap my head around it all. I don't know that I will ever understand what happened. I do know this, for the life of me I can not do what I threatened to do. I can not tell that personal information that was shared with me. I want to, I want everyone to know the truth but I also know it is not my truth to tell. And for as mad as I am I was trusted with knowing this and I respect and am trying to honor that trust.

I know that I did not mean to hurt anyone or to have so many people fight because of something I did. That is not the kind of person I am. I don't set out to hurt people. I think before I go off on some crazy tangent, accusing people and being an ass; wait I don't really do those kind of things.
I like to make people feel good and have fun with them.

So again I say I'm sorry for everything that happened. I did not mean for it to end up the way it did. I never meant for anyone to be hurt...and I mean anyone.

And just so YOU will know...your biggest most heartfelt secrets are still safe with me. No matter how much you have hurt me. I just cant hurt you in the same way.

Who am I?

I am the girl you see
but never look at.
I am the voice you hear
but never listen to.
I am the one who tries
but never puts a smile on your face.
I am the one you have been looking for
but you will never find me.

let the truth be told! I'll start it first....

I wrote the title to this post months ago when I read a blog post about masks. I have looked at this title with the words "draft" by it for so long. I just didn't have it in me to actually write down what needs to be said. These things that I keep behind my mask have made me the person I am today. They are the reasons that I am hard on the outside and soft on the inside, they are what makes me so strong and so caring. The sad thing is that I would not wish these "things" on my worst enemy.

what are these "things" I speak of, you ask?

these things are the truth behind me, who I am.....

I can remember getting a birthday card when I was younger that once you opened up all the way became a poster of Garfield that said "do everything once and the fun things twice". Not in a million years would I have ever imagined that part of these words would become my truth.

In my 36 years I have "done" (and I use that word very loosely) the following:

• been raised by a single parent
• had my father point a gun at me in a drunken rage, had he not passed out he would have killed me and my mother
• been hit by my father (and I mean hit, knocked to the ground, not able to breathe)
• been in an abusive relationship
• been hit by more than one man
• been raped
• been molested by a family member
• been married twice (to the same guy)
• lived in my car
• had an abortion
• lost a child before she was born
• watched someone I love die

and yes I have to stop there...the tears are flowing and it is hard to go on. Even though there is a story behind each bullet point, there is no need to get into them. They speak for themselves.

But for every bad thing that has ever happened to me in my life I have just as many good things to think about. They may not be considered big things to some, but every little thing that is good in your life can add up to one GIGANTIC thing to make you smile.

Some of the good things in my life:

• my two children
• watching the strength and bravery of a 9 year old going thru brain surgery to remove a tumor
• knowing that said child would be fine...why because prayer works
• knowing what true love feels like
• the love of true friends
• knowing that friends come to you in all forms and by all means (yes that means you my twitter friends)
  
• kind words from strangers
• knowing that my faith in God will always strengthen me
• building my own home with my own hands
• having good music to listen to
  

Oh how different these lists are..but the good does out-way the bad, 90% of the time. Do I live my life in that 90% all the time...no I do not. I struggle everyday to stay out of the 10%, cause for all the good there are times when the bad comes back to haunt me. I can never leave that 10% behind and move on, it is with me always but it is why I strive to be a better person and to do what I can for others.

So what about the mask, yes I still wear the mask. I have to, the mask is what keeps me from falling apart some days, it is what I have to do not to have people feel sorry for me or act differently. I just want you to be you and for me to be me. I'm not going to break, I know this now, I accept this now. It took a very long time to accept that, but I am a warrior, I will keep moving forward and keep being me. Bad past and all.

So there it is....the truth, me. Now..please let things stay the same, no one change. Cause I'm not going to.

My Quilt

The quilt holds many memories for me, it's a piece of my childhood, and it's something I enjoyed doing with my Great Grandmother. Most people would consider a quilt something to cover up with and keep them warm, but for me it represents so much more. Most quilts represent a story for the person who owns it and the person who made it. The quilt I own has a story to tell, but I am only able to tell my side of the story. When my Great Grandmother decided to make the quilt, color was an important factor in how she made it. The main fabric color of the quilt is green, which is my favorite color and the only fabric she had to buy, the rest was made up of any color fabric she had lying around. She used the maple leaf pattern, with some adjustments to it so that I could help put the pieces together. Instead of having leaves everywhere on the quilt she put each leaf in a square. Making the quilt is not as easy as it looks, once you see one finished. First she made the squares, which meant making nine separate squares to sew together to make a leaf in a square. I helped cut the pieces of fabric that would connect each leaf. She gave me patterns to go by, a fabric pencil and a pair of scissors and sent me to work.

I can remember going to her house and watching her sit and carefully quilt many different patterns into it. Most of the sewing to put the pieces together was done on a sewing machine, but the love was quilted in by hand. Some of the designs on the connection pieces were drawn on first they sewn in, but most were from memory and only needed a ruler to help make sure the stitches were spaced the same. Making the quilt was a labor of love for her. She would sit and quilt for hours, not a bit worried about what was going on in the world outside. I can still see my Grandmother sitting at her quilting frame, in the middle of her living room, patiently quilting. I loved to sit and watch er quilt, watch her move her hands gracefully over the quilt. Each stitch was pure perfection in the way she moved the needle up and down through the fabric. She would put for or five stitches in before she would pull the thread through.

My Grandmother made quilting look like art. One of the things that caught my eye each time I'd go to watch her quilt was the thimble she had on her thumb. I never understood its purpose, but she always said she couldn't sew without it.

That quilt she worked so hard on is now old, and a little worn, but it is still a small piece of my grandmother that I get to wrap myself up in on cold nights.

The most beautiful Quote ever...

“The soul that can speak through the eyes, can also kiss with a gaze.” - Gustav Adolfo Becquer

(thanks Kat)

Quotes of the day...

“Hold fast to your dreams, for without them life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly.” - Langston Hughes

“In the depth of my soul there is a wordless song.” - Kahlil Gibran

“Dreams are illustrations... from the book your soul is writing about you.” - Marsha Norman

"Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are." - Bernice Johnson Reagon

"Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love, to work, to play, and to look up at the stars." - Henry Van Dyke

(have to thank Kat for these)

The Song...

Set here with me at this piano as I play a melody for you. I sing my life to you, pour my soul out into song. You are my sweet friend who understands the melodies of life, we could set here forever and sing the songs that mean the most to us. I am at ease with you here by me, no expectations no cares other than the songs that come to our lips. This is one of those moments we all live for, to just be and have fun and enjoy the company of a kindred spirit.

The songs cross all lines and boundaries, they cover the years we know and the ones we don't. They are songs that have made us laugh and cry, they are a part of our past and our future. We sing loud and we sing soft. They are songs about love, loss, friendship, hope and despair. We both teach and learn as we listen to the stories and notes. This is our connection, it has always been.

The day has turned into a song of its own. You write the notes as I write the words. Oh what a beautiful song we have my friend.

Kindness

I see
I hear
I feel
your pain.

The pain, the ache, the need.
They have been with me for years.
They are my burden to bare.
They are as much a part of me
as the love, the hope,
the light.
It is only now that I let you
see them.
See me.
I tore down my walls for you.
I have nothing to hide.
I lay bare for you to read.
In return you have
covered me with kindness.

Choices

The nameless shapeless thing
floats into my life like petals
on the calm waters.
I walk in to touch them
as the tides was them away.
Is it tears that streak down my
face or the spray from
the sea?
How far out into the waters
can I go before I drown?
Do I dare to take
the next step?
The sands are sinking
beneath me.
Courage calls to me from the sun.
Fear yells all around me
on the wind.
The petals wash inland, just
outside my reach.
Only seconds remain to choose
before they are lost forever
in the sea.
The choice is only mine to make.
Will I swim to them or will I
walk away empty handed
again....

I think I love you...

You have seen but a glimpse of who I am.
Please understand that you do not know me.
I’ve only shown you a small part, the rest is protected.
It’s not that I don’t trust you, I do.
It’s just that life is a delicate balance of give and take and at this moment I have given more than you.

You say you like what you have seen.
DON’T!
I am flawed, broken and unworthy of your kind words.
I am not the person you think I am.
I’m trying to let you in to see the real “me”, tearing down my walls one brick at a time.
I don’t know if you will like what you see or that you will even care.
Fear keeps me at a distance, keeping those special parts of me hidden away from view.

You have touched my heart and this is not an easy thing to do.
That is a place few have ever known, even for those whom I have loved my whole life.
I am both a simple and complicated person, it is just how I am.
Yet you have managed to connect with me in a way that no one else has.
You should not be able to read me the way you do.

We both know what is and isn’t real, but I also know that those lines are beginning to blur.
For both of us.

That leaves one question…

Where do we go from here?

Regrets

Regrets are weird things.

They come into my heart with soft-padded
cat's feet,
silently wrapping steel-sharp wire
around the outside of it;
then pulling--hard!--
ripping the very core of me.

The pieces land soggy:
three-day-old cornflakes
piling in the pit of my stomach,
curdling, souring.

A song stirs a memory,
and I begin to think of all
the could-have-beens,
the what-ifs,
the why-nots.

Stop! I tell myself.
you can't do this to yourself.
You are where you are.

Deal with it.

This I recall to my mind,
Therefore I have hope.
The Lord's lovingkindnesses indeed never
cease,

For His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
"The Lord is my portion," says my soul,
"Therefore I have hope in Him."
(Lam. 3:21-24)

Begin a new morning, I tell myself.
Go the only direction you can--forward--
making the Lord your portion
and living in great faithfulness and soaring
hope.

Those two have a way of crowding out
regrets.

~from Psalms for the single mom by Lisa Hussey

For You

I do not know you
yet my heart breaks for you
I want to reach out to you
show you that I care
I'm giving you a part of me
so that you know you are not alone
You deserve so much more

To ease your pain
to give you hope
to show you happiness
to see you smile

I spent the day thinking of you
hoping you will find love in your life
praying that love will find you
and you will know it when it does

My heart is big and hurts for those I care about
tears were shed to wash away that pain
a smile replaced both when I felt you smile
one day all the pieces will fall into place
and that day will come soon

The Last Piece

You are in my daily thoughts
You are in my nightly dreams
You have awaken a piece of my soul

I am intrigued by you
I want to know more
I want to look into your eyes

Is time on our side
Or are the sands running out
The darkness is closing in
Yet there is light in our eyes

Truth and trust are with me always
Are they with you
Hope and understanding are with us both
The last piece will be
Love

Home to Me - Josh Kelley

This song has a VERY special meaning to me. I have a song for most moments in my life, both good and bad. This song will always remind me of the good things, because there was more good than bad.

I miss you, probably always will.

The Secret Heart

Across the years he could recall
His father one way best of all.
In the stillest hour of night
The boy awakened to a light.
Half in dreams, he saw his sire
With his great hands full of fire.
The man had struck a match to see
If his son slept peacefully.
He held his palms each side the spark
His love had kindled in the dark.
His two hands were curved apart
In the semblance of a heart.
He wore, it seemed to his small son,
A bare heart on his hidden one.
A heart that gave out such a glow
No one awake could bear to know.
I t showed a look upon a face
Too tender for the day to trace.
One instant, it lit all about,
And then the secret heart went out.
But it shone long enough for one
To know that hands held up the sun.

~Robert P. Tristram Coffin

Good Enough

i am but pieces of a whole
i have been torn, shredded and scattered about
i am frightened be put back together
i can still love with my entire soul
and hurt with my entire heart
i am adrift in this life
never feeling like i am really a part of it
watching what is happening
instead of being an active participant
my life scares me

Falling For You by Sean Fournier

Song

When I am dead, my dearest,
Sing no sad songs for me;
Plant thou no roses at my head,
Nor shady cypress tree:
Be the green grass above me
With showers and dewdrops wet;
And if thou wilt, remember,
And if thou wilt, forget.

I shall not see the shadows,
I shall not feel the rain;
I shall not hear the nightingale
Sing on, as if in pain;
And dreaming through the twilight
That doth not rise nor set,
Haply I may remember,
And haply may forget.

~Christina Rossetti

Validation

Validation is good for the soul, the mind, the body and the spirit.

A walk in the woods...

I feel the cool breeze
I hear the birds sing
I feel at peace in this world
I am content with what I have
I am happy with my life
but
There is change coming on the wind
I can feel it
I will let it take me over
Wash my spirit clean
I will rise anew and be free

First Light

It is raining on my window
I smile at the sounds
It is a peaceful feeling
that somehow I have found
My heart is full tonight
I will sleep in peaceful dreams
For I shall think of you
when the sun come up first light.

You know who you are....

You came into my life
and proved my suspicions wrong
You looked into my soul
a place not to many have seen
You let me see the real you
and I loved what was there
You put a smile on my face
for the first time in years
You conquered a part of me
and I let you
You walked away
and now I am lost

To One in Paradise

Thou wast all that to me, love,
For which my soul did pine-
A green isle in the sea, love,
A fountain and a shrine,
All wreathed with fairy fruits and flowers,
And all the flowers were mine.

Ah, dream too bright to last!
Ah, starry Hope! that didst arise
But to be overcast!
A voice from out the Future cries,
"Onward!"- but o'er the Past
(Dim gulf!) my spirit hovering lies
Mute, motionless, aghast!

For, alas! alas! with me
The light of life is o'er!
"No more-- no more-- no more,"
(Such language holds the solemn sea
To the sands upon the shore)
Shall bloom the thunder-blasted tree
Or the stricken eagle soar!

And all my hours are trances,
And all my nightly dreams
Are where thy dark eye glances,
And where thy footstep gleams-
In what ethereal dances,
By what Italian streams.

Alas! for that accursed time
They bore thee o'er the billow,
From Love to titled age and crime,
And an unholy pillow!--
From me, and from our misty clime,
Where weeps the silver willow!

~Edgar Allan Poe

Life's Song

There is a sadness in my life
that will not leave.
It keeps me broken and alone.
There is a pain I try to hide and it's getting
harder everyday.
I want to break out
of this disguise.
I want to rise above the despair.
I am not the person everyone sees. I am not
at this point in time at all me.
I have been buried in the dark
for far to long.
I just want to get out
and sing life's song.

The ABC's of Life

A ccept differences
B e kind
C ount your blessings
D ream
E xpress thanks
F orgive
G ive freely
H arm no one
I magine more
J ettison anger
K eep confidences
L ove truly
M aster something
N ature hope
O pen your mind
P ack lightly
Q uell rumors
R eciprocate
S eek wisdom
T ouch hearts
U nderstand
V alue truth
W in graciously
X eriscape
Y earn for peace
Z ealously support a worthy cause

A Poem....

Hearts to be broken of an unchained love
That will strike without hope or single care
This pain so in vain sent down from above
Change dark to light days to night life prayer
But along with love also comes pain
Of hearts on fire burning up with desire
A soul so torn apart by love in vain
A rapid death of hearts that love tired
After time love dies thoughts of what to do
A soul can seen lost inside of a heart
But is this total feeling to be true
I should have known from the start I love you
But now it's gone an after all is said
I think it would be better to be dead

~Donald Miller Jr.

Quotes of the day...

"The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good." ~Samuel Johnson

"Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away." ~Antoine de Saint Exupery

"I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them." ~Ian L. Fleming

"When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world." ~George Washington Carver

"Your success depends mainly upon what you think of yourself and whether you believe in yourself." ~William J. H. Boetcker

"Faith is believing that what you cannot see will come to pass. Fear is believing that what you cannot see will come to pass." ~Edwin Louis Cole

I Crave Your Mouth, Your Voice, Your Hair

DON'T GO FAR OFF, NOT EVEN FOR A DAY
Don't go far off, not even for a day, because --
because -- I don't know how to say it: a day is long
and I will be waiting for you, as in an empty station
when the trains are parked off somewhere else, asleep.

Don't leave me, even for an hour, because
then the little drops of anguish will all run together,
the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift
into me, choking my lost heart.

Oh, may your silhouette never dissolve on the beach;
may your eyelids never flutter into the empty distance.
Don't leave me for a second, my dearest,

because in that moment you'll have gone so far
I'll wander mazily over all the earth, asking,
Will you come back? Will you leave me here, dying?

Pablo Neruda

Q. If you could hear what someone was thinking for a day, whose thoughts would you want to hear?

My 5 year old son. He has downs syndrome, but I know that even though he doesn't talk much there is a lot going on in that head of his. I would love to be able to just hear what he is thinking about, that would make all the hard work worth everything for me.

A book everyone needs to read...

Was given a book called How Full Is Your Bucket? and I think everyone should read it. The basic principle to the book is about positive strategies. What it talks about is that everyone has a bucket and you can choose to fill that bucket or take from it. You fill the bucket by your positive interactions with that person and you take from it with your negative interactions.

One of the things that love to do everyday is the chance to fill someones bucket :-) It fills mine to make someone else feel good. What's even better is that I simply like making people happy, and with most people that is not a hard thing to do.

For instance I have this great group of people I talk to everyday and no matter the mood of any one of us we can always manage to make each other feel better.

And nothing beats feeling good among friends.

Stand By Me from www.playingforchange.com

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars. ~ Kahlil Gibran

The REAL To-Do List

• sing.
• smile at strangers.
• keep learning.
• notice kindness.
• eat ice cream.
• hope.
• count your blessings.
• laugh.
• love.
• love some more.
  

Every Woman...

Through My Eyes

I love what I see in the world around me. I'm not always a positive person and I can jump to the worst conclusion ever when it concerns me, but for the rest of the world I usually see the best in someone, even if that is not their true way.

I truly believe that most people are good at heart and honest. There are some that I know cant always tell you the truth and that's okay with me, cause sometimes it doesn't really matter. What does matter is that they are true to themselves and can be "real" with you when you talk to them.

Perhaps I only see what I want to see, but I like it that way. I converse with many different people in many different forms everyday of my life and I enjoy all of them. Every single one of them has a beautiful soul in my eyes.

Remembering Virginia Tech... WE ARE HOOKIES!

Native American Prayer

I give you this one thought to keep -
I am with you still - I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awake in the morning's hush
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not think of me as gone -
I am with you still - in each new dawn.

~'Author unknown'

GOD'S GARDEN

God made a beatous garden
With lovely flowers strown,
But one straight, narrow pathway
That was not overgrown.
And to this beauteous garden
He brought mankind to live,
And said: "To you, my children,
These lovely flowers I give.
Prune ye my vines and fig trees,
With care my flowerets tend,
But keep the pathway open
Your home is at the end."

Then came another master,
Who did not love mankind,
And planted on the pathway
Gold flowers for them to find.
And mankind saw the bright flowers,
That, glitt'ring in the sun,
Quite hid the thorns of av'rice
That poison blood and bone;
And far off many wandered,
And when life's night came on,
They still were seeking gold flowers,
Lost, helpless and alone.

O, cease to heed the glamour
That blinds your foolish eyes,
Look upward to the glitter
Of stars in God's clear skies.
Their ways are pure and harmless
And will not lead astray,
Bid aid your erring footsteps
To keep the narrow way.
And when the sun shines brightly
Tend flowers that God has given
And keep the pathway open
That leads you on to heaven.

~Robert Frost

Twitter/Blip Play List

I asked my twitter and blip FRIENDS to give me one good song to put on a play list for my iPod. I ended up with more than I expected. Some gave me one, some gave more and some of them told me I HAD to have a song on my iPod.
So here is PART of the list (this thing is still growing) ....

Unnatural Progression – Dan Mangan
True – Ryan Cabrera
Sweet and Low – Augustana
Believe – Staind
Chicago - Sufjan Stevens
Sugar – Dan Wilson
The Hole In Me – Blackfield
Half Hearted Apology – Dean Fields
Silent Lucidity – Queensryche
Just Friends – Gavin DeGraw
Counting to 100 - Matt Wertz
Element – Moses Mayfield
Closer -Joshua Radin
Closing Time - Semisonic
What Would I Do - Van Morrison
Nellie the elephant - The Toy Dolls
Cigarettes and Alcohol - Oasis
The Sun -Mirah
Someday You Will Be Loved - Death Cab For Cutie
Lucky - Seven Mary Three
Perfect Memory -Remy Zero
Everybodys Gotta Learn Sometime - Beck
Through Glass - Stone Sour
Your Heart Is an Empty Room - Death Cab For Cutie
Heaven Beside You - Alice in Chains
More Time - NeedtoBreathe
I Know the Reason - Carbon Leaf
Natural Mood - Jubeus
Disappear - Dream Theater
Harrowdown Hill - Thom Yorke
Every Little Thing - Dishwalla
Vienna - The Fray
Broken Road - 12 Stones
Don't I Hold You - Wheat
Plus - Stone Temple Pilots
Halo - Beyonce'
The Reason - Hoobastank
If You Leave - OMD
Satellites - Cherry Monroe
The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows - Brand New
36-24-36 - Depeche Mode
Be Safe - The Cribs
Dreaming of You - The Coral
Lovesong - The Cure
Delicate - Damien Rice
Thou Shalt Always Kill - Dan Le Sac
White Winter Hymnal - Fleet Foxes
Go - Hanson
Forget Her - Jeff Buckley
Little Wing - Jimi Hendrix
Big Balls - AC/DC
A Kind of Aching - John Howard
Blue on Black - Kenny Wayne Shepherd
Flume - Bon Iver
A Smile That Explodes - Joseph Arthur
She Moves In Her Own Way - The Kooks
Nobody Knows - P!nk
Hold You In My Arms - Ray LaMontagne
Breathe Me - Sia
Disarm - Smashing Pumpkins
Crazy Love - Van Morrison
At My Most Beautiful - R.E.M.
You Do Something To Me - Paul Weller
Home To Me - Josh Kelley
Morning Lullabies - Ingrid Michaelson
The Light - Mason Jennings
All We Are - Matt Nathanson
Almost Lover - A Fine Frenzy
Just Dance - Lady GaGa
Sex on Fire - Kings of Leon
Robot Timberwolves - 100 Monkeys
Personal Jesus - Depeche Mode


If you read this and you gave me a song....THANKS....you know who you are :-)

today sucked....

had another one of those days. they are few and far between and I am thankful for that. If I had to feel this way everyday I don't think I would make it. The day was bad, but nothing unmanageable. But at some point something broke, dont know what caused it at all and that scares me. When it went downhill it was all I could do not to break down and cry. Days like today are days when I feel broken, where everything hurts to the point that its hard to breath. I would rather have every bone in my body broken and that pain over this kind of pain. I shouldn't feel this way ever, there is no real reason for it, but I do.

It's that feeling you get when you have had your heart broken, had someone close to you die, and lost everything you have all wrapped up into one. I hate feeling this bad about myself, it makes me feel worthless and for someone like me that is the worst thing ever.

I dont have to have someone watching over me to make me feel like I'm not doing my best, I am my own worst critic. years of being told that I was never good enough at something, that I would never finish something I started, that I was never pretty enough have worn me down. I think for everyday I do get to feel good this one day takes it all away.

It sucks to have one day drain the life out of you.

Quite Sunshine

The sadness engulfs me
like a moonless night.
I fear the peaceful feeling
my mind desperately fights.
Alone in the silence
dreams have come to me.
Of love and life
a destiny I shall never see.

I miss Beanie

Have been told that Beanie is no more :(

I miss Beanie. Beanie and I talked books and music. Beanie loved my favorite book of all time, no one I have ever met before has ever even known who Ayn Rand is. Now who will I talk to about the fun stuff?

Sad day

well...

The right words just don't come so easily for me anymore.
The words are there,
the feelings are there,
I just can't seem to get the two of them to come together to make a cohesive statement.

it's just....

You picked me up
took off the mask
and taught me to love again.

You spoke from the heart
words of comfort and hope
you touched my soul.

love it when my memories come back to me....

Random conversation with friends about songs we remember from when we were little. I could remember parts to this one, and it took me two day to find it. My Great-Grandmother taught me this one....


PLAYMATE, come out and play with me
And bring your dollies three.
Climb up my apple tree,
Look down my rain barrel
Slide down my cellar door
And we'll be jolly friends forever more.

I'm sorry Playmate, I cannot play with you
My dollies have the flu,
Boo-hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo.
Ain't got no rain barrel
Ain't got no cellar door
But we'll be jolly friends forever more.

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined. - Henry David Thoreau

some random thoughts...

I've always believed that God never gives you more than you can handle, though through out my life he has come damn close to pushing me over the edge. I've had to work for everything I have and even harder for the things I don't.

Love has always been a part of my life, though I've never been very good at it. My heart has always been to big for my own good.

That's also one of the things that makes me who I am.

Lots of people have called me a survivor, and I truly hate that word. Isn't everyone a survivor? At least all those who don't give up or give in? What other options do I have? I've never been someone who quiets, not really. I've given up people in my life but not because I wanted to but because I knew I would be the cause of their pain.

I am that person. The one who will walk away hurt, heart broken into pieces just to keep from hurting anyone else. I've brought so much misery and pain into my life and on myself just to spare someone else.

I've only let one person, in my entire life, completely and totally destroy me. I will never make that mistake again. Which would be the main reason I will never let anyone in my heart again.

For an average person, sometimes I do feel like there is more to me than even I know. I only allow myself to think this way every now and again, I'm actually afraid of what I might find if I look to deep. Most of the time I just hide behind the mask I wear for everyone around me.

Quotes and happiness of the day...

Joy is not in things; it is in us. ~Richard Wagner

Chance favors the prepared mind. ~Louis Pasteur

I wish to live because life has with it that which is good, that which is beautiful, and that which is love. ~Lorraine Hansberry

If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears the sound of a different drummer. Let him step to the music he hears, however measured or far away. ~Henry David Thoreau

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be see or even touched they must be felt with the heart. ~Helen Keller

todays happiness....

One word


TWITTER

I love the folks that I tweet with on there. They make my day fun.

No one knows the real me...

I put on a good front. I have to. If I were to show the real me to anyone I'm not to sure that they could handle it. Being all things to all people every damn day of the week is fucking tiring. By the end of the day I just want to curl up in a ball and crawl in a hole. Don't bother me don't talk to me. I just want quiet and dark.

I have a past just like everyone else, but I have worked very hard to forgive and let go. I'm pretty happy with my life now, sure there are things that could be better but life is good right now. My problem now seems to be that I can't get away from the negativity from everyone else in my life.

I'm trying very hard to be the person I once was so many years ago. Everything will always bother me, I just have a big heart and anybodies suffering becomes mine. I care, that is not a bad thing. I've always put others before myself, though I am working on this one cause it can get to be a bit much at times. Music has always been a part of my life and I have finally found my LOVE for it again. Finding new songs has once again become a passion. YEA! I've been reading for a while, so I don't think I ever really lost that. Last real thing to get back is writing and this one is going to be the hardest. In the past I always had something or someone to inspire me, but I don't have that now. So I'm not sure how to proceed with this one...

Let's see how it goes.



I am looking towards the future
but haunted by my past
stuck in this limbo life of answers
to the questions I will not ask

Quotes of the day...

"Integrity is the essence of everything successful." ~Richard Fuller

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

"Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth." ~ Mark Twain

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one." ~ C.S. Lewis

"Without music, life would be a mistake." ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

todays happiness....

I had a great day today. I cant put in a list as usual, cause I can't say it was any one thing that made me happy today. Everything was part of my happiness today.

Two day worth of happiness....

was having to much fun to make my list yesterday so am adding it to today's

1. I have paint on my walls that looks good.
2. Smiled so much that people thought there was something wrong
3. Laughed so hard, I had others laughing with (or at) me
4. Had a REALLY good dream that I actually remembered
5. Listened to songs by that voice that feels like hands on my body
6. Oh and one last one--the ex is showing interest again, to bad he cant have me :)
   

I think the days are getting better...

Laughter and so much more....

I'm trying to find ways to have more laughter in my life. I need it, almost as much as I need music. My only problem is that I have a very dry and sarcastic sense of humor that no one seems to understand or like. Guess I will have to find another way to find the laughter.

Laughing makes me feel better about life. I like that feeling, I like it very much. Laughing makes me happy and a happy me is a good me. I have been in a funk for way to long. Am trying to get out of it, and every little thing I can do to get that "happy" feeling is a step in the right direction.

I've spent way to many years feeling like I didn't deserve to be happy, that I wasn't good enough (still working on that point, read other post), that I was unlovable.

I know that I have to learn to really love myself before anyone else can love me, and learning to laugh again is just one more check mark on my list.

My heart is full....

Received this as part of email from an old friend. If I ever wanted to feel like I had ever done something right in my life...it was just validated

Although if ever a counsellor was born you would be it.

what on earth are they going to teach you at any uni on this subject.

Despite being one of the youngest staff member on camp you were just so together!

You were a great listener, you had a very calming influence and everyone loved it when gave us a hug.

What more could I ask for? Nothing.

todays happiness....

1. NEW MUSIC TO LISTEN TO - Ingrid Michaelson (Morning Lullabies), Colin Hay, Ben Harper....
2. Dry sense of humor
3. Reading my fellow bloggers
   

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!!

todays happiness....

1. getting over the crying thing
2. tweeting with Beanie

Yea I know that neither of these make sense to anyone but me, but hey, this is my happiness I'm talking about.

Ever had one of those days....

One of those days when you are walking around near tear for no real reason you can think of? I know some of us have those PMS days, but this is not one of them. I'm talking about waking up and your just sad, trying desperately not to cry.

Today was one of those days, I really just wanted to stay in bed and cry. I had to work so hard not to break down at work today, and when everyone asked me what was wrong i couldn't tell them. What the hell was I going to say, suffering from two day old hangover, dehydrated and feel bad for taking out frustrations on innocent strangers that when I got up in the morning and my senses back I felt like a total ass?

Yea that would have went over well.

todays happiness....

1. I have doors...
2. and paint for the house
   

2 things that made me happy today

1. went to see Watchmen...good movie, dont take kids
2. drinking and talking to the ladies
   

Can of worms.....

I think that I have opened a can of worms with this, a can I don't know what to do with. I've opened up a flood gate of emotions that I have kept bottled up for way to long. I was safe with all that buried deep, but now that I've allowed it out....

I think I am going to go crazy. I really don't know how to deal with all of this shit. Even more, I don't want to really don't want to. I know that I have to, it's been to long. I know that I can not move forward in my life until I do.

todays happiness....

this is harder than I thought it would be, thought I could have at least two things to make me happy each day, didn't know that I would be home with a sick kid today. That left me with not much to go on.

1. got another email from Richard
2. finished a book

Being good enough

I don't think that I will ever feel like I am good enough. When you spend most of your life being told that you are not good enough, and that you will never make anything of yourself. You start to believe it, and once the seed is planted it grows like some damn weed you just can't pull out no matter how hard you try. It becomes a struggle everyday just to feel good enough. To feel like you have done a good job, been nice enough, paid attention, did your best as a mother. Never feeling good enough makes you think, a lot, and that is never a good thing.

Feeling so good I cried....

I was so happy today that I actually had to set down and cry. I think the last time I have felt that happy was about 15 years ago. I must find a way to feel that happy more often.

It didn't take much to do it. It only took 11 words to make it happen. "Are you serious? Only one of the best summers of my life!!" All I had to do was open an email.

Why cant everyday be like this? Is it really to much to ask to be happy everyday of your life? I've got to find a way to make this feeling last...

hmm.....

Must write down at least 2 things that made me happy that day. Must look at list if I need a reminder.

There!

LOST FRIENDS....

I sent an email to a name, could have been an old friend wasn't sure. I'm sure now. I have not heard from this person in 20 years. 20 YEARS! This was the email I received this morning....

Hi Joette,

Are you serious?

Only one of the best summers of my life!!

I hope you are well,

It was a wonderful summer some 20 years ago.

I remember working really hard there.

We seemed to be overwhelmed with the challenges facing the client group.

With a few exceptions We had a great staff team who looked after each other and kept each other positive.

I remember you and I getting on quite well and you even taking me home to meet your people who showed me wonderful hospitality and cooked me a great meal

I have great memories of that summer but am no longer in contact with any one from there.

Let me know how you are doing

Sincerely

It is so good to know that I'm not the only one with a long memory. This is the best part of my day.

breaking down barriers.....

I'm breaking down my own barriers, some have been there for years, and some are very high.... this could get interesting.

Loneliness...

How long can someone lie to themselves before it becomes to much? I have a good life - two wonderful children, a great job I love and my house will be done and we will be moved in by summer. But to say that I am happy would be a lie. A lie I have been telling myself for too many years. The longer you go without physical contact, of any kind, with someone the more you loose of yourself. It's a madding feeling to have such an big heart and no one to give it to. To simply miss the touch of someone's hand in yours is heartbreaking.

Is it possible to feel heartbreak from a lack of love in your life? Can it make you feel crazy at times? Is there a way to make it stop?

Music Man J's words of wisdom...

Life lesson boys and girls... Blowing someone else's candle out doesn't make yours burn brighter. Food for thought.

This is from "Music Man J" not me.

A Strong Woman Versus A Woman of Strength

A strong woman works out every day to keep her body in shape...but a woman of strength builds relationships to keep her soul in shape.

A strong woman isn’t afraid of anything...but a woman of strength shows courage in the midst of her fear.

A strong woman won’t let anyone get the best of her...but a woman of strength gives the best of her to everyone.

A strong woman makes mistakes and avoids the same in the future...

A woman of strength realizes life’s mistakes can also be unexpected blessings and capitalizes on them.

A strong woman wears the look of confidence on her face...but a woman of strength wears grace.

A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey...but a woman of strength has faith that it is in the journey that she will become strong.

Is there a catagory for that?

We all have to learn something from our past mistakes or we never grow, right?

I was listening to Kenny Chesney's song A Lot of Things Different today and it got me to thinking about some of the things that I would have done differently if I could go back and do them again. Most of those are for another time. The one BIG thing I would have NOT done if I could go back was get married.

I don't have anything against marriage itself, just the crap I went through. I would like to say that I don't hate my ex-husband, but I can't. I hate him, loathe him, is there a stronger word? I will one day dance on his grave. Does that sum it up?

I've never been called naive, crazy yes, but not naive. For 3 years I would say I was insane. That is the only rational reason for what I did. No one would believe me if I said that I believed in love and that was the reason for it.

I married him, we had a child, we got divorced, we got remarried, we got divorced again. At some point in this mix is where the the insanity came into play. From this I have learned that love is NEVER enough. Love should never be the only reason you are with someone. It wasn't my only reason, but it was the main one.

Though I hate him it is not for what should be obvious reasons. I got over him. What I haven't been able to get over is the fact that he walked out on a child, that is the most unforgivable thing a man can ever do.

Had I never married him, he may have stayed in his son's life. In his mind I am the reason that he doesn't have anything to do with his son. We would have never parted on bad terms and things could have been just fine.

Another lesson learned... never wallow in "what ifs".

At this point I know what he has missed out on. I also know that what goes around comes around. (Been there and done that with my own father.) Now I just have to wait for that day to come and be here for MY son when it happens.

I think I learned a lot from this past mistake.

My Life - The CD

If I could make a CD of my life in song it would look something like this:

1. Everything - Alanis Morrissette (me)
   
2. Eagle When She Flies - Dolly Parton (me)
3. I'm A Bitch - Alanis Morissette (me)
4. All I Have To Do Is Dream - The Everly Brothers (one of the first songs I learned to sing)
5. Teddy Bear - Elvis Presley (another first)
6. Unchained Melody - The Righteous Brothers (another first)
   
7. Bird Dog- The Everly Brothers (one of the first songs I loved as a kid)
   
8. The End Of The World - Skeeter Davis (first song to make me cry)
9. Right Here Waiting - Richard Marx (loss of innocence, still cant listen to this song)
10. Strawberry Wine - Deana Carter (Summer 1989)
11. I'll Be Your Lover, Too - unknown singer, well I knew him (just for the way it makes me feel. voice in my ear is like hands on my body)
12. I'm Movin' On - Rascal Flatts (daily song to remind me that it's all good)
    
13. Lord, I Hope This Day Is Good - Lee Ann Womack (another daily song)
14. Beautiful - Christina Aguilera (another daily song)
15. Sweet Dreams - Air Supply (best friend and soul mate)
16. Wonderful Tonight - Eric Clapton (song local band did, loved to go and see them)
    
17. Sleeps Dark And Silent Gate - Jackson Browne (the best song ever)
    
18. Let 'Er Rip - Dixie Chicks (the way I feel about breakups)
19. Man To Man - Gary Allen (at least once in every girls life two men fight over her)
    
20. Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby... - R.Kelly (truly felt respected)
    
21. Bittersweet Symphony - The Verve (the rest of these are songs that just remind me of friends and having fun over the years)
    
22. Fire and Rain - James Taylor
23. 1 Down, 3 To Go - The Meatmen (nothing against the Beatles, love them)
24. Gettin' Jiggy Wit It - Will Smith
25. When You Say Nothing At All - Allison Krauss
26. Into The Mystic - Van Morrison
    
27. I've Got Dreams To Remember - Otis Redding
28. My Sacrifice - Creed
29. People Are People - Depeche Mode
30. Come To My Window - Melissa Etheridge
31. She Talks To Angels - The Black Crowes
32. Solid Sender - John Lee Hooker
33. Time In A Bottle - Jim Croce
34. Margaritaville - Jimmy Buffett
35. Give Me Three Steps - Lynyrd Skynyrd
    

Back Country Roads

If you like a simple quiet life there is nothing better than living on a back country road. This is a place where your neighbors, if your lucky, are family and friends. Where you know you are safe, not only are cars left unlocked-keys are left in them.

Growing up in such a place means you know everyone from birth to death, where as soon as you are on that road home the rest of the world disappears. It's quiet and peaceful, you can listen to the birds sing and even the wind blow. you can set on your front porch and watch the wildlife pass by IN your own front yard.

I grew up on a back country road, I sill live there. I love it there. I learned to cook the old fashion way there, a pinch, dash, smidgen, and always for an army. I learned to sew and quilt there, and there is nothing like watching a group of "little old ladies" setting around a quilting frame sewing every piece together, little touches of love in every stitch. Owning a hand mad quilt is like having a piece of history.

I learned to make apple butter (in giant kettles) and lye soap (which can take out ANY stain in clothes). Gardens were planted and veggies were shared, with still enough left to can for winter. Canning is fast becoming a lost art. Even those organic canned veggies in the store have nothing on the ones you pack in glass jars and pressure cook.

Every year we have a "heritage weekend" where visitors come from near and far to step back in time, enjoying homemade foods, good music, and handmade everything. On my country road you can expect to hear bluegrass and gospel music, enjoy pit beef BBQ, homemade pies and ice cream. You can even take home handmade quilts, paintings, jewelery, hard tack candy and homemade fudge. The best part is that you never leave feeling like you were a "visitor", you will leave feeling like you had just visited family.

Visit a back country road one day, if nothing else you can go home thinking "that was a hell of a ride."

More things you should never apologize for:

• being angry
• dancing in the rain
• drinking coffee all day long
• getting lost on back country roads
• wanting to fall in love
• wanting someone to fall in love with you
• breaking your own heart

random

Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other.