What the hell is wrong with me that I feel I need to lie to people when they ask "are you okay?" "what's wrong?" I say I'm fine, just tired, been a long day...anything but the truth. I'm not fine, I'm so fucking far from it I'm scared by it.
I have so much anger, hate, disgust, fear and pain locked up inside of me right now that should I let just a little of it out by answering those questions honestly, it would all come out and in the form of sobs. I can't break down right now there is no room for it among the rest of the shit that is going on.
The very worst part of it is that it's easy to hid when the person asking can't see or hear your answer. It's safer that way. And it breaks my heart when I lie to someone who can hear it in my voice, how knows I'm lying to them and I silently thank them for not pushing it. What other choice do I have? Answer honestly, lay out my pain on display for them? I know they care that's why they ask. But can they handle the answer, can I?
Most of us wouldn't ask if we didn't want to know. Who knows, maybe we could help. Maybe not to fix the core of the problem, but to help lighten your load. The burden of that alone can sometimes be overwhelming. Share it with those that care about you doll.
ReplyDeleteDon't be afraid to burden others. If it becomes too much, they'll let you know. I know how you are feeling. It's so hard to feel responsible for so very much.
Just know that I love ya and would give you a hug if I could.